Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. I know where you are right now. It hurt my hand. Get him to do it and dont answer any questions about where youre going. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. And he was in the fog. Continue trying to do your own thing. Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. When we started dating I was madly in love with him. Im praying time is on my side. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. Right now is affecting my work; I cant concentrate, thinking about them. I feel like I hate the guy! Do the 180 the best you can for yourself. It was like I was the one real real real thing in his life. Just letting you know I know when things dont add up. It can lead to a renewed marriage. What a big mess. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. He wont get counseling. And after two hours he agreed I was right. I told him he had to leave. Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. Yesterday he left to go get something he left somewhere. This is about you and your M and his choices and behavior. Im a couple weeks late to this conversation, but have you considered telling him to stay home with the baby one night because you have plans? And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. Why would I want a man who wants to live the way he is living. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. I like him at home, so its SO hard to feel like I have to tell him to leave. I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. I have been in your shoes. I went in my own for years. but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. I find out later that there was a girl on the trip with them and he was sleeping with her before Paris , in Paris and after Paris. But its not. There was a 2nd and 3rd DDAY but that was 4 yrs ago this January. It was definitely the biggest argument we have had in a long time. unfortunately you were heading down this path. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. He just had to break the bad news to her. I went home around an hour later and he was there cooking dinner for everyone. I am truly sticking to the 180 for the first time and I think thats a positive thing for me, and like I said before I know I could tell him to leave the house again and it may open his eyes to not having us, but its all just more of the same. You are in a tough bind. But im kind of in the same boat right now. It hurts. I was dating an highly ranked law enforcement figure and things were not adding up so I researched and found out he was happily married the whole time. Im not going to accept it. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. If a mans crisis was caused by self-esteem issues due to getting older, he could find himself coming out of midlife crisis fog without having dealt with the core 1. He now has a new respect for me AND he knows I could walk out the door anytime b/c I am strong enough to do it. I have changed to be a better me and am looking after my self a lot better. He needed to be shown the door. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. I left him but he never stopped contacting me. The vast majority of those betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out what the hell is running through the minds of their cheating spouses. but i have also been there for her Im not that bad when i wright down all the good times and things we have done is good. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. And I know that, its just near impossible not to. We were over- marriage, life etc. I need to give him his freedom and show him im ok giving him that freedom, but then I have moments where I feel like im being walked all over. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. I feel good about myself. I read the text he claims to love her and he told her he wanted to spend with her the rest of his life.. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. But I always told him plainly that we werent. Your issues are more than just the A. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. Clueless Alien Syndrome When Your Spouse Becomes a Person You No Longer Recognize, A few years back I found this definition of the affair fog somewhere online. Unfortunately you are being responsible and he is not. Imagine how awful that was calling the OW and asking for answers as to why your H is acting crazy. You have heard all the same stuff we all have. Hes very quiet and doesnt share much with me, so.. But re/read 1 and 2 above. He still is at the bar everyday after work and comes home at night. And there was nothing I could do. He is trying to have you and the OW and it appears from all the back and forth he doesnt know what he wants. Dress nicely and just leave the house for several hours. Just a thought. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. For some reason he does not remember this conversation which baffles me. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. Doing almost the same with you too, apart from, I never contact the AP neither push my son to it, though I have letter from my son, plead to my wife to love his Papa (Me) & stop the affair. I have a close friend that cheated and is not 18 months post him coming clean and his wife calling it quits. Wed go out more. Coach assigns us a book to read together. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. I think of suicide quite often now. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. At the same time I had a child involved in an emotionally abusive relationship (bf/gf). Something. But actions dont lie. I say this b/c the few people that know about his affair would have bet $1mil he would never be that guy who cheated. Ignore what he tells lowlife losers. And then hes accusing me of turning his kids against him because they dont respond to him and why should they. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. Or stop him from cheating. If not see ya. You dont forgive him and its swept under the rug. My H initially went to counseling twice and quit. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. I needed 90 days to get my finances in order. Read up on the 180. You tell the spouse the truth. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. He got really angry and said I dont do anything around the house besides feed the baby and that he could do what I do. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. Theyre in the affair, and they think theyre in love, and theyre going to have the other person no matter what, and they dont care. Lol. I dont seem to know how to achieve and stick to ONE thing. Hahaha so for 30 years I treated you like a king with love and respect b/c I wanted to spite my parents? I can tell you I wa lucky they did for me. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. ANy and ALL support of this decision is welcomed. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. I also wonder what he meant when he said that I am too impatient. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. People get it. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. I told him to leave. What is that about? I had to put my kids first and coukd not just give up and roll into a ball. She is such a good person he would say to me. I have no clue. But please do not allow this to go on too long. And then he stopped or curtailed his bar nights. Im sure thats not what you want. I guess all I can do is work on ME and try to be the best place for him to be! So sorry for you. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. I started to prepare for a divorce. Whatever you decide. But right now it may be too difficult to manage all these decisions. b. Not any more. He had a no contact with her for about 2 months. But its not necessarily him hating me, like I have felt. im giving him his freedom, im asking no questions. I have done so much reading and have handled this so calmly from DAY ONE, I almost regret it. Forgiveness takes a long time. This situation is unfair to you. But it was not even close to your situation. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. It almost felt like there were no problems leaving the PA. I knew him 30 years and saw him in front of me and he was a completely different person. im just so confused. Separate. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. Trying to be supportive. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. Just this past weekend, Saturday night he said he was going for drinks with a friend and would be home by 8. We live in an area where good professional jobs are few and far between, and he is 5 years from retirement with the state. Its indifference. And he would be nice for a few days and then it would start again. I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. He goes on to whine about how he has no friends at work except her. But it is not ok for him to drag you down the black hole of indecisiveness with him. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). Divorce. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. I said my 2-3 sentences calmly and left the room. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. Seriously?! I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. I know that HE has to be the one to want it, HE has to be the one to want to reconnect with me, I know I cannot make him want that, and any effort to make him want that is only going to push him away. I want to move on but it kills me inside that he is out having the time of his life and showing no remorse whatsoever for the lives hes destroying. It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. It peaked my suspicion enough that I went to the cell store and asked for as far back as they could go with detailed logs. I kid you not!!! I feel like an annoyance. He states he has no communication with her, he has no desire to speak to any women right now, but he also is exhausted by us and doesnt want to work on us. Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. I demanded a post nup. The typical phrases I hear are Where has the man I married gone to? This is not the man I married What could she possibly be thinking? Its like shes a completely differentperson. We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. But it is an excuse to justify his own behavior (as in I went out all the time b/c you acted like you didnt care). He says he felt like I controlled everything and everything we did was on my terms and I didnt respect him, etc etc. He may be having more than one OW or just enjoying the flirting. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. But when Im aware of being hurt every day, that is a really difficult pain to get over. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. I agree most of us BSs would probably love a do over. I was in your position but my H had affsir fog for 6 months and was going to leave me. They chat and text each, each night. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! My H thought I would just take him back after his 3rd time asking for a D in 6 months, leaving me hanging and in limbo and letting me believe we R while he was still cheating. All Rights Reserved. Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. It has been two years and I feel like my own fog is finally starting to lift. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. If he cannot see the disrespect well then you dont need a second child to raise. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. He had ended just a few hours before but also told me he wanted a D the same day. You cant have your husband cheating plus calling all the shots!! You can also subscribe without commenting. First wife you give such excellent advice! Because you do deserve better. Until then, it is his issue and his problem. NO YELLING! If hes making that choice NOW when your M is in need of life support then he would most likely be making that choice 6 months from now. The only contact we have is a obligatory hug every morning from him as he leaves for work before me. All that said, I feel like my kids need the dad back that they know. I picked up the phone and made arrangements for him to stay with a friend until he found another place. Well that stopped after DDay2. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. Linda: Honestly, this is why its so difficult to pinpoint because most of the time, when you start doing the things like checking the phone records or talking to the [affair partners]husband, what happens is they end up getting more secretive. I love him, probably too much. Its a fantasy that the cheater believes is real. But part of me just puts so many random puzzle pieces together and thinks he is lying. NO YELLING! we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. Not to end his A. Also including the fact he carried out other basic lies for so long, I eventually came to the point where I will never be able to believe he was faithful, even though he has never wavered from saying he felt anything for her, he has never admitted to anything I dont have black and white tangible evidence of, such as phone records, just left me feeling that if I cant prove it, I know he wont admit it, honest as he seems to be now. To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. It is fine if you decide the M no mo get works. K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. But he lets his anger take over. Hi Doug Get a lawyer. Ive posted an update on another thread as now my husband has said he wants to marry her in the future and have kids with her so I need to divorce him. Dont be me. I can totally relate. His reaction had taken him by surprise. I told him he was free to live with the OW for all I cared I was not stopping him. Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. But i do feel that way. Or you can take some time to decide WHAT YOU WANT!! I dont want him to look at us living together as roomates, but right now when were not working on us, thats basically what we are. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. I heard from my H of 25 years that he told me I only married him to spite my parents. You were hurting me, but I wasnt aware of it. He will have his freedom now to do whatever he wants, answer to no one, and im TERRIFIED he will love it. I dont know..well see how it goes. And do not mention the OW for now. He says hes not, he says its so hard, but he seems totally fine, whereas I pretend to be fine but im falling apart inside. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! And part of me believes him, and part of me thinks you may be right about a possible different woman. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. And Im not saying my confrontation w/my H stopped his A at DDay2. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. Those few days were SO bad for me, I really was backsliding emotionally and it was getting to me. And I think there is a reason things have changed so suddenly. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. Yesterday, he said to me that he had been invited to a concert Saturday night, and I said oh why didnt you go? I dont know where his head is right now, I dont know if hes leaning towards divorce, but I do think hes still talking to original OW and im sure she pushed that. Stonewalled and denied the entire time. And when I get sick and tired of it, I will plan my next move then. I was probably like his mom, esp in the last few years. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. WebIt was devastating news to say the least. Did you work through it? What have I done here?. That said, some people quite frankly dont give a damn. Sad to say. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. I left and am now sleeping at a friends house. Or prettier. we are seeing a councillor. How did you control the Panic Attacks? That was 20 years ago. If thats what he wants then he should go have it, bc I know im better than all of it. He said no matter how hurt or upset he is, he shouldnt say rude mean things to me that arent true. And I dont say a word. He clearly isnt worried enough about losing me to where he feels like he needs to make a change. Yet, why arent MY feelings dwindling? If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. I hope you can get there. Bc if you thought that you were wrong, I on the other hand have read texts, seen proof, lived through this hELL that doesnt seem to ever go away. But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him.
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